sheet re referendum found at Boat Club

From: deputy_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

Dear Wat,

sorry to disturb you on your sick bed, we've had students going down like flies with this flu, and I've witnessed it's a bad one; housekeepers are also going off with it, but so far it's only yourself in the lodge who's affected.

I'm sending this to your work email as I know you monitor emails off-duty, or will do once you're well enough. When I was doing my weekly check of the defibrillator at College Boat Club earlier today, I found a sheet of paper that seemed to be a summary of minutes of a meeting. These are the details:

Concerned Citizens at Cowspan: Equitable Groceries Management

Therefore, the questions we demand answers to as regards the referendum on whether the Buttery should adopt the humane policy of going all-vegan are as follows:

1. Why was the referendum question changed?
2. Why did a tweet - which the Master has claimed responsibility for - state that the "losing" side had actually won?
3. Why were all non-academic staff allowed to vote when some of them are part-time, and can eat at home? 

There was also a handwritten note at the bottom of the sheet saying, "(in addition, students bring us funds, while non-academic staff divert those funds from valuable academic purposes (as valuable as the services of non-academic staff are...))"

I decided to keep it under my hat, as it's not unknown for mickey-takers to drop a bomb when the weekend's coming up. But whenever you get to reading this email, I'd appreciate your input.

Get well soon

Ricky

PS how's the "feminine" statue faring? 

Re: re: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

From: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk, chaplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk, [Fellows and senior officers list]
Refer: re: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College
Refer: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

Dear Tamsin and Chas,

I usually don't get involved in knitting-needles at dawn (if these aren't too phallic), but thought some background may be germane to the issue of the "feminine" sculpture of an orchid, which has been provoking annoying comments all day and driven me to drink.

When Sir Roger de Vachepont founded this institution as Vachepont College in 1283, there was no gender bar to the children of workers on his estates from whom the students were then almost exclusively drawn. In fact, Vachepont provided the Middle Ages with its first professionally-trained women.

Once the running of College was put into the hands of College Council during the Hundred Years War and the name was anglicised to Cowspan, female students were chased out so as not to alienate rich families whose scions Council were trying to attract. Just imagine if that step had not been taken: come more enlightened times, the University would have been begging to amalgamate with us, instead of vice versa.

Also, a bronze does not need a probational period of standing for "settling" or any other issues. Any knowledgeable and ethical firm would have tested the soil composition before even commissioning the work, and would have factored this into calculations as well as humidity, weather patterns etc, which are freely available.

Instead of placing a suggestive statue that seems to have been commissioned to gather attention, regardless of whether that attention is positive or negative, I think an alternative strategy would have been more useful. I'm not in favour of apologising every time somebody decides to take offence at something, but an apology for the real harm done to women's equality when Cowspan kicked female students out would have been, I am sure, the right path to take.

Yours

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 

Re: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

From: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: chaplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk, [Fellows and senior officers list]
Refer: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

Dear Chas,

I've been going over this all day, but will do so one more time for your benefit.

I was given control of a discretionary fund for cultural events to represent our year dedicated to fighting oppression on campus, which is only sensible as, being Bursar, it is I who would sign off on any such funds anyway.

I arranged with a London firm of goldsmiths to subcontract a bronze-caster for the piece that you saw this evening, which is there today to test ground resilience and other settling issues. The piece is called "she", to capture the sense of the eternal feminine.

Gender, as I'm sure you of all people will recognise (given your reaction when our Deputy Head Porter called you "love"), is at the root of almost all contemporary oppression. We have nuclear warheads in phallic rockets threatening civilisation, phallic pillars holding up the Palladian front to the Cowspan's new section, even the phallic Cross in College Chapel; these and so many other examples epitomise oppression.

It is time for the vaginal to rise above the phallic, the menstrual to gain hegemony over the seminal. I am a freedom-fighter, like you, and would appreciate your help in bringing the sniggering students up to speed.

Yours

Tamsin

Tamsin Unwin-Harris
Bursar
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

From: chaplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: [Fellows and Senior Officers List]

Dear all,

I've just returned from taking Vespers, and couldn't concentrate because of constant sniggering. When I asked what it was about over wine afterwards, I had to check for myself.

Perhaps things look differently in daylight than they do under College streetlights. What I saw was a large bronze sculpture of an orchid that looks rather feminine, if I can put it that way, and the position of the internal parts of the flower seem to leave no doubt.

Some of the students had gotten a bit giggly over wine and I heard such comments as a proposition for a new College society named "Sorority of Saint Fanny the Greater". I think this is likely to make College an object of some ridicule. Could somebody please tell me when the decision was made to install such a sculpture and when College Council had a chance to discuss it? I'm sure I didn't miss any of the emails or agendas.

With respect

Chas

Charlotte Chidzedze
Chaplain
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

re:re:inconsistencies in referendum result

From: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

To: master.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

Refer: re: inconsistencies in referendum result

Dear Master,

thank you for your letter and your support of non-academic staff in general and the Deputy Head Porter in particular. I think you did the right thing in not copying this to Ricky. He's on his long weekend and will be back on Tuesday, and on the offchance that he looks at his work email while doing whatever he does, he'd come back like a cocked gun. Let's hope the Bursar will pull her neck in and we can all move on.

Yours

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 

re: inconsistencies in referendum result

From: master.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

To: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

CC: head_porter.gmx@cowspan.co.uk

Refer: Inconsistencies in Referendum result

Dear Tamsin,

I was surprised that your email was copied to all Fellows, scholars and staff, given the accusations made and the strength of the language in which they were voiced.

The Deputy Head Porter, who is a hard and diligent worker, did indeed encourage other staff to vote in the Buttery referendum. He was within his rights to do so and was not in breach of any policy or procedure. He did not stay beyond his shift, neither did any other staff. The only staff here last night were the night porters, some kitchen staff and the Head Porter, who stayed to invigilate the ballot on his own time, and used previously-earned Time Off in Lieu to take this morning off.

An Emergency General Meeting of College Council can only be called by myself, somebody I have deputised to do so or, in my unplanned absence, a chain of appointees - yourself, the Domestic Bursar, the Head Tutor and the Head Porter. I am here and have not deputised anybody to call an emergency general meeting, and expect you to cancel your unconstitutional convening of the meeting.

I also expect you to give a full apology to Mr O'Callaghan. Regardless of his being non-academic staff, Cowspan College is one community and I will not have this cohesion threatened. I have not copied this email to Ricky because I think he has been caused enough distress.

For my part, I will be apologising for the tweet, which was sent by myself. I am not au fait with twittering and got confused.

I look forward to speaking with you on Monday.

Yours

Sir John Vachepont-Colquhoun
Master
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

inconsistencies in referendum result

From: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: master.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
CC: [fellows, scholars and staff list]
Refer: Buttery Referendum result
Refer: This is your referendum - vote!

Dear Master,

I refer to your email of lat last night about the Buttery referendum result, which seemed to show a majority in favour of the Buttery remaining as it is, with minimal accomodation for those with alternative dietary needs.

However, the following tweet went out around the same time:

The tweet indicates that the proper result of the referendum was that the Buttery would become inclusive by leaving off serving meat altogether, and going all-vegan.

I refer also to an email from a member of non-academic staff, Deputy Head Porter Ricky O'Callaghan, encouraging non-academic staff to turn up to the referendum en masse to swing the result.

Non-academic staff do not pay us, as the students do, we pay them, and very well too. I want to call an Emergency General Meeting of College Council to discuss this matter, and to determine whether Ricky O'Callaghan has had his people turning students away from the ballot box. I want heads to roll.

I am going to opera tonight with the chair of the University Masters' Committee, which I cannot cancel because this is a valuable opportunity to put the case for College's full emancipation within the University. I note the Head Porter wasn't in Lodge this morning and therefore would be surprised to see him on Sunday, and would certainly be surprised to see Ricky O'Callaghan. The meeting will have to be over the weekend. I suggest 3.00pm Sunday afternoon - are there any objections to this?

Best regards

Tamsin

Tamsin Unwin-Harris
Bursar
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva