Confirmation of disciplinary process req'd

From: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: domestic_bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
CC: IT.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
Refer: See me
Refer: Who can read lodge emails?

Dear Miri,

Thanks for your support at College Council over the option of hiring a dedicated chef for vegan options in the Buttery and the associated referendum; it's good to know the Lodge has friends in high places!

It's come to my attention that a senior member of support staff has received, effectively, a formal warning from a senior staff member and Fellow who is not, however, within the line management for support staff. As far as I am aware a porter, say, can only be given a disciplinary from me, the Personnel Manager or, of course, yourself as ultimate line manager of all non-academic staff. It's entirely possible that I've missed a meeting, as the Maintenance Fortnight before Coming-Up Weekend always keeps me busy.

I realise this is also a busy time for you, with staff appraisals being collated and all, but could you please confirm for me who can discipline support staff so I can see what's changed? As a related matter, I'd like to know who can read Lodge emails.

With thanks

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 

see you tomorrow

From: Ricky O'Callaghan [private email]
To: Charles Watson Tyler [private email]

Dear Wat,

sorry I wasn't in today, can you give me a retrospective annual leave day to cover it?

I took the new recruits round the fuseboxes on Friday to keep my mind off the meeting with the Bursar, I was so angry. Having said that, I shot myself in the foot. She kept telling me how it was important to have a senior member of support staff who increased diversity, and I eventually said that was just a clever way of calling me "Pikey".

Anyway, she said that I'd misused College communications by using email to have a pop at the social background of some of the students and Fellows. On that occasion I did bite my tongue - she was a Lepston pupil - and I've never referred to them as Lepers because I know a thing or two about being called names - but the family bought a big house near Lepston Estate but not in it, then bought her a Lepston placement at Cowspan College because she was too thick to get a Uni place by merit, and that's saying something these days. But to get back to the point, she told me to regard the meeting as a formal warning - and she's not even in our management line!

OK I've blown it off, see you tomorrow.

Ricky

Don't call the chaplain "love"

From: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: deputy_head_porter@gmx.co.uk
Refer: Your deputy head porter called me "love"

Dear Ricky,

please take care not to call the Chaplain "love", it annoys her.

yours

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 

Lodge summary: show a little respect!

[head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk]
[CONFIDENTIAL]
BCC: chaplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

Dear all,

not much this Friday, we're halfway through the maintenance fortnight before coming-up weekend. Please ensure all contractors are booked in, and do try to remember to book when they leave, as we don't want a repeat of last year's incident, when somebody pretended to be a contractor and made a home for himself in a two-room set with a balcony. He was swiftly removed, but the resulting local press coverage was picked up by the nationals then went worldwide.

Please remember to treat others with the same respect you would be expected to show members of your family. In particular, do not address women as "love" or any overfamiliar term unless that person has indicated to you that they don't have a problem with this. 

Certainly - and I'm surprised I have to make this point - do not address any Fellow or other office-holder overfamiliarly. In fact, treat all undergrads, grads, Fellows and office-holders professionally. This is especially important as regards the Fellows' campaign to combat oppression on campus this year, in which we are all expected to participate.

Yours 

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 
[CONFIDENTIAL]

Your deputy head porter called me "love"

From: chaplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

Dear Wat,

To get to the point: I came out of the Lodge yesterday and bumped into Ricky, who addressed me as "love".

I appreciate he had two med students competing for his attention, both of whom had a pressing need to use the MCR bike that Lodge keeps the keys for. Nevertheless. please counsel him that I am not, neither is any woman, his darling, his doll, his crumpet, his trophy, or anything predicated by any man of any woman that pertains primarily to him and not to her. And I am certainly not his, or anybody else's, "love".

I am not, nor is any woman, a ping-pong ball in the historical dynamics of patriarchy. I am a Doctor of Divinity, and neither need nor want any man to complete me. Calling a woman "love" evinces a deep-seated misogynistic prejudice that starts with a word and ends in gendercide.

I hope this doesn't take you away too long from your important and vital duties.

With respect

Chas

Charlotte Chidzedze
Chaplain
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

Who can read lodge emails?

From: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: IT.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

Dear Brian,

Could you please give me a list of all people who have access to Lodge emails without those who emails having been sent to them? I like to keep up to date on matters pertaining to Lodge confidentiality due to the extremely sensitive nature of information that can pass through here.

Cheers

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 

See me

From: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: deptuty_head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
CC: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
Refer: Re: Notice of Forthcoming Referendum

Dear Ricky,

I am writing on behalf of all those of us who did not have the luck to be born a duchess or princess. You increase diversity by your presence as Deputy Head Porter, and I am surprised that you are opposed to my efforts to increase diversity further by ensuring that those who identify as humane towards their fellow creatures do not feel excluded from the Buttery, hence the referendum.

I believe you are performing a first-aid teaching session tomorrow morning. You should be finished by 11.30 then, so please come to see me at that time.

As a former Lepston Estate pupil, or "leper" as you might recognise the term, I feel the need keenly to increase diversity throughout all College structures, especially as we go forward into a year where we are working harder than ever to fight oppression on campus.

I look forward to seeing you.

Tamsin

Tamsin Unwin-Harris
Bursar
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

Re: re: Notice of forthcoming Referendum

From: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: deputy_head_porter@gmx.co.uk
Refer: Re: Notice of forthcoming Referendum

Dear Ricky,

Sorry I missed you for a pint last night, your email's just come through! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it's always good to know what people are saying on the ground. It would certainly be difficult to have a "yes" and "no" referendum regarding the Buttery given that the choices are now an all-vegan service or the usual service plus a dedicated chef and counter. I'll raise the matter with the Master, although I imagine the Bursar may not want to change the wording of her baby.

If you can manage not to get shunted onto one of your breaks by tomorrow, could you please give a first aid refresher for all comers? I think your past as a paramedic trumps mine as a police officer!

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

Re: Notice of forthcoming Referendum

From: deputy_head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
Refer: Notice of forthcoming Referendum

Dear Wat,

I'm not happy at all about this referendum. Between you and me, and we have spoken about this a lot, there's far too many here who think they have the right to lord it over us, and sometimes the ones born with tin spoons in their mouths are worse than the ones with silver spoons. This is just some idiots playing politics by calling a referendum when they really know the result. With my history, I'll be suspended again, just for voting.

There aren't even any vegans on College Council! That lot are just leveraging a minority to create a problem where no problems existed, just to let their charges practice spitting in the eyes of the working class. I'm not even giving this rigged vote respectability by voting in it.

Sorry for mouthing off, I think I need a drink! You in?

Best regards

Ricky

Ricky O'Callaghan
Deputy Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

Notice of forthcoming Referendum

[head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk]
[CONFIDENTIAL]

Dear all,

after staying behind for the new recruits' induction into the collegiate system, I was asked by the Master to see him in his apartments.

In my email to you yesterday, I did not think it necessary to include an item included in College Council agenda about a proposed referendum regarding the Buttery, forwarded by the Bursar and seconded by Dr Donal Taylor, who was voted into the role of Keeper of Silver at the meeting, in addition to his longtime role as convenor of the Social Inclusion Committee. The proposal was not carried and details would have been in the College Council Communications memo at the end of the month.

The Bursar's proposal was for a referendum on whether the Buttery should become all-vegan, in order not to inadvertently discriminate against those who, like the Bursar and the Keeper of Silver, identify as having alternative dietary needs.

The Master counter-proposed hiring a dedicated chef to prepare nothing but vegan food on dedicated equipment, to be made available for sale on a similarly dedicated counter. The Bursar replied it would be impossible to release funds for an extra chef due to the need to source more wine for the Fellows' Wine Cellar (again see yesterday's email) so that Cowspan's traditional ways do not perish.

I had offered my opinion to the Bursar that it would be unwise to hold such a referendum, given that a third of undergraduates will be new starters and we therefore have no baseline as to their dietary needs. She assured me, very nicely, that my comment had been noted. The Master used his Chair's privelege to force a vote between a referendum and a dedicated chef, and the result was a tie between the two options, with the Master using his casting vote to opt for the new chef.

The Master, it appears, was informed after College Council that voting papers for the referendum have gone out with tenancy agreements for both graduates and undergraduates. The Bursar had them sent out as she foresaw no opposition to her proposal. The Master therefore saw no other option than to go ahead with the referendum so as not to give students, especially freshpeople, reason to become disillusioned as to College administration. The referendum will take place on the Thursday after coming-up weekend, ie towards the end of Freshers' Week.

I'm not sure how this will go, as older hands will know we don't get notice of student's serious medical needs until halfway through the academic year, let alone tenancy agreements. I have no idea about how strongly feelings rise about Buttery issues in the Lodge, but would encourage porters, and indeed all support staff, with strong feelings to make sure they vote, so they have at least made their voice count.

I reiterate that these notes are confidential to the Lodge and are not to be shared, verbally or otherwise, outside the Lodge.

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 
[CONFIDENTIAL]

Lodge update: gearing up!

[head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk]
[CONFIDENTIAL]

Dear all,

it's that time of year again! The last Summer School and B&B guests have left, so we've just started our maintenance fortnight before coming-up weekend.

First, a bit of history for new recruits. College was founded as Vachepont College in 1283 by Sir Roger de Vachepont, predominantly for the education of the children of workers on his estates, whom he would then place in his various businesses in England and France. After his death, during the Hundred Years War, the College's name was anglicised to Cowspan, but the village, founded by his ancestors after the Norman Conquest, not only remained Vachepont but split, Vachepont Magna being the hub of the village containing the amenities, St Elias Church and Vachepont Manor, and the part containing College and its grounds being designated as Vachepont Parva.

Which brings me to a point that, unfortunately, I have to make regularly. College Council receives all of the supply of Vachepont Elite from the family vineyards in return for matriculating two school-leavers from the village's Lepston Estate each year. (I'm told the Elite is indistinguishable from Vachepont Nouveau in blind tests, but that's another matter.)

Lepston is a contraction of Lepers' Town: the family established a safe haven for sufferers of leprosy with the village. Occasionally, some students from a better-off background find it humorous to refer to the Lepston matriculands as "lepers". Last year this spiralled to the point where one of the Lepston students walked out, which itself resulted in only half the usual amount of Vachepont Elite gracing the Fellows' Wine Cellar this year. The Master and Fellows are anxious to stamp out discrimination on economic background for once and all this year in its drive to combat oppression on campus, and I am therefore instructing you to report any comments about lepers or about charity drives for leprosy sufferers that might make their way to the lodge straight to me.

If you get parents doing a recce, you may be asked about our relationship with the University. We are partly in and partly out, hence the lack of University email addresses. Cowspan continues on its drive for full collegiate status, but the issue is our AAA course - Astrology, Alchemy and Anthopology - regarding which the head of the (very small) department does not possess a ph.D. Sir Roger specified that astrology and alchemy be taught, and challenges to his bequest have only resulting in the Vachepont family agreeing to tack anthropology on. If, hopefully, we are accepted fully in, we will become the University's oldest college. Nevertheless, students graduating for any course except AAA will receive a full College degree.

Please don't hesitate to contact me about any issues.

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 
[CONFIDENTIAL]