sheet re referendum found at Boat Club

From: deputy_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

Dear Wat,

sorry to disturb you on your sick bed, we've had students going down like flies with this flu, and I've witnessed it's a bad one; housekeepers are also going off with it, but so far it's only yourself in the lodge who's affected.

I'm sending this to your work email as I know you monitor emails off-duty, or will do once you're well enough. When I was doing my weekly check of the defibrillator at College Boat Club earlier today, I found a sheet of paper that seemed to be a summary of minutes of a meeting. These are the details:

Concerned Citizens at Cowspan: Equitable Groceries Management

Therefore, the questions we demand answers to as regards the referendum on whether the Buttery should adopt the humane policy of going all-vegan are as follows:

1. Why was the referendum question changed?
2. Why did a tweet - which the Master has claimed responsibility for - state that the "losing" side had actually won?
3. Why were all non-academic staff allowed to vote when some of them are part-time, and can eat at home? 

There was also a handwritten note at the bottom of the sheet saying, "(in addition, students bring us funds, while non-academic staff divert those funds from valuable academic purposes (as valuable as the services of non-academic staff are...))"

I decided to keep it under my hat, as it's not unknown for mickey-takers to drop a bomb when the weekend's coming up. But whenever you get to reading this email, I'd appreciate your input.

Get well soon

Ricky

PS how's the "feminine" statue faring? 

Re: re: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

From: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk, chaplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk, [Fellows and senior officers list]
Refer: re: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College
Refer: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

Dear Tamsin and Chas,

I usually don't get involved in knitting-needles at dawn (if these aren't too phallic), but thought some background may be germane to the issue of the "feminine" sculpture of an orchid, which has been provoking annoying comments all day and driven me to drink.

When Sir Roger de Vachepont founded this institution as Vachepont College in 1283, there was no gender bar to the children of workers on his estates from whom the students were then almost exclusively drawn. In fact, Vachepont provided the Middle Ages with its first professionally-trained women.

Once the running of College was put into the hands of College Council during the Hundred Years War and the name was anglicised to Cowspan, female students were chased out so as not to alienate rich families whose scions Council were trying to attract. Just imagine if that step had not been taken: come more enlightened times, the University would have been begging to amalgamate with us, instead of vice versa.

Also, a bronze does not need a probational period of standing for "settling" or any other issues. Any knowledgeable and ethical firm would have tested the soil composition before even commissioning the work, and would have factored this into calculations as well as humidity, weather patterns etc, which are freely available.

Instead of placing a suggestive statue that seems to have been commissioned to gather attention, regardless of whether that attention is positive or negative, I think an alternative strategy would have been more useful. I'm not in favour of apologising every time somebody decides to take offence at something, but an apology for the real harm done to women's equality when Cowspan kicked female students out would have been, I am sure, the right path to take.

Yours

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 

Re: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

From: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: chaplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk, [Fellows and senior officers list]
Refer: An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

Dear Chas,

I've been going over this all day, but will do so one more time for your benefit.

I was given control of a discretionary fund for cultural events to represent our year dedicated to fighting oppression on campus, which is only sensible as, being Bursar, it is I who would sign off on any such funds anyway.

I arranged with a London firm of goldsmiths to subcontract a bronze-caster for the piece that you saw this evening, which is there today to test ground resilience and other settling issues. The piece is called "she", to capture the sense of the eternal feminine.

Gender, as I'm sure you of all people will recognise (given your reaction when our Deputy Head Porter called you "love"), is at the root of almost all contemporary oppression. We have nuclear warheads in phallic rockets threatening civilisation, phallic pillars holding up the Palladian front to the Cowspan's new section, even the phallic Cross in College Chapel; these and so many other examples epitomise oppression.

It is time for the vaginal to rise above the phallic, the menstrual to gain hegemony over the seminal. I am a freedom-fighter, like you, and would appreciate your help in bringing the sniggering students up to speed.

Yours

Tamsin

Tamsin Unwin-Harris
Bursar
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

An unsettling sculpture has appeared at College

From: chaplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: [Fellows and Senior Officers List]

Dear all,

I've just returned from taking Vespers, and couldn't concentrate because of constant sniggering. When I asked what it was about over wine afterwards, I had to check for myself.

Perhaps things look differently in daylight than they do under College streetlights. What I saw was a large bronze sculpture of an orchid that looks rather feminine, if I can put it that way, and the position of the internal parts of the flower seem to leave no doubt.

Some of the students had gotten a bit giggly over wine and I heard such comments as a proposition for a new College society named "Sorority of Saint Fanny the Greater". I think this is likely to make College an object of some ridicule. Could somebody please tell me when the decision was made to install such a sculpture and when College Council had a chance to discuss it? I'm sure I didn't miss any of the emails or agendas.

With respect

Chas

Charlotte Chidzedze
Chaplain
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

re:re:inconsistencies in referendum result

From: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

To: master.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

Refer: re: inconsistencies in referendum result

Dear Master,

thank you for your letter and your support of non-academic staff in general and the Deputy Head Porter in particular. I think you did the right thing in not copying this to Ricky. He's on his long weekend and will be back on Tuesday, and on the offchance that he looks at his work email while doing whatever he does, he'd come back like a cocked gun. Let's hope the Bursar will pull her neck in and we can all move on.

Yours

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 

re: inconsistencies in referendum result

From: master.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

To: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

CC: head_porter.gmx@cowspan.co.uk

Refer: Inconsistencies in Referendum result

Dear Tamsin,

I was surprised that your email was copied to all Fellows, scholars and staff, given the accusations made and the strength of the language in which they were voiced.

The Deputy Head Porter, who is a hard and diligent worker, did indeed encourage other staff to vote in the Buttery referendum. He was within his rights to do so and was not in breach of any policy or procedure. He did not stay beyond his shift, neither did any other staff. The only staff here last night were the night porters, some kitchen staff and the Head Porter, who stayed to invigilate the ballot on his own time, and used previously-earned Time Off in Lieu to take this morning off.

An Emergency General Meeting of College Council can only be called by myself, somebody I have deputised to do so or, in my unplanned absence, a chain of appointees - yourself, the Domestic Bursar, the Head Tutor and the Head Porter. I am here and have not deputised anybody to call an emergency general meeting, and expect you to cancel your unconstitutional convening of the meeting.

I also expect you to give a full apology to Mr O'Callaghan. Regardless of his being non-academic staff, Cowspan College is one community and I will not have this cohesion threatened. I have not copied this email to Ricky because I think he has been caused enough distress.

For my part, I will be apologising for the tweet, which was sent by myself. I am not au fait with twittering and got confused.

I look forward to speaking with you on Monday.

Yours

Sir John Vachepont-Colquhoun
Master
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

inconsistencies in referendum result

From: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: master.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
CC: [fellows, scholars and staff list]
Refer: Buttery Referendum result
Refer: This is your referendum - vote!

Dear Master,

I refer to your email of lat last night about the Buttery referendum result, which seemed to show a majority in favour of the Buttery remaining as it is, with minimal accomodation for those with alternative dietary needs.

However, the following tweet went out around the same time:

The tweet indicates that the proper result of the referendum was that the Buttery would become inclusive by leaving off serving meat altogether, and going all-vegan.

I refer also to an email from a member of non-academic staff, Deputy Head Porter Ricky O'Callaghan, encouraging non-academic staff to turn up to the referendum en masse to swing the result.

Non-academic staff do not pay us, as the students do, we pay them, and very well too. I want to call an Emergency General Meeting of College Council to discuss this matter, and to determine whether Ricky O'Callaghan has had his people turning students away from the ballot box. I want heads to roll.

I am going to opera tonight with the chair of the University Masters' Committee, which I cannot cancel because this is a valuable opportunity to put the case for College's full emancipation within the University. I note the Head Porter wasn't in Lodge this morning and therefore would be surprised to see him on Sunday, and would certainly be surprised to see Ricky O'Callaghan. The meeting will have to be over the weekend. I suggest 3.00pm Sunday afternoon - are there any objections to this?

Best regards

Tamsin

Tamsin Unwin-Harris
Bursar
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

Buttery Referendum result

From: master.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: [fellows, scholars and staff list]

Dear all,

Here is the result of the Buttery referendum:

Remain as it is but with vegan counter - 72%
Leave serving meat altogether - 28%

Details tomorrow. I trust this is to your satisfaction, and look forward to moving on into the academic year.

Yours

Sir John Vachepont-Colquhoun
Master
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

re: students and alcohol

From: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: caplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
Refer: students and alcohol

Dear Chas,

thanks for getting in touch with me first - as it happens I stayed behind for the counting, and will do a half-shift tomorrow afternoon.

You're right to say that students have been pretty far gone in the past, I've seen them not knowing who they are and barely able to stand.

Our agreement with the city's Street Pastors specifies that they will not raise the subject of faith, and will only talk about it if the other person makes the first move, as it were.

The problem of the solution identified by your ad-hoc committee is that somebody so far gone may be vulnerable to assault while looking for a phone box. Even if they do call in and we call them a cab, if the cabbie thinks a fare's drunk enough to be sick in their taxi they'll refuse the fare. If the taxi takes the fare and the student is sick in the cab, he or she will surface finding they owe a lot more than a taxi fare. And, to be frank, I don't want to know what might happen if the student hailed an unlicensed cab.

The subject does raise its head every so often, although I've never heard a complaint about the Street Pastors. My answer is, and always has been, that because of the issues I've identified above, Lodge would need a formal policy signed off by College Council with an attached procedure for porters.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you vote?

Yours

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 

students and alcohol

From: chaplain.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk

Dear Wat,

I'm just mailing before I go to bed - I invited students for a gender and oppression seminar, and we had a stimulating discussion over several hours. 

One student mentioned that a female student in his corridor had gotten drunk and had been taken to hospital by a Street Pastor. It was the opinion of the ad-hoc committee that constructed itself around the issue that there exists the possibility of offence being caused to students who do not wish to discuss Christianity for whatever reason. They asked me to pass onto you the request that students who find themselves having drunk more than they'd intended to phone the Lodge, and the Lodge call them a taxi and pay for it, getting the money back from the students when they surface.

I've seen students rather too far gone to be able to do this, but thought I'd pass on the request.

By the way, any word on how the Buttery referendum went?

With respect

Chas

Charlotte Chidzedze
Chaplain
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

This is your referendum - vote!

From: deputy_head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: [non-academic staff list]

Dear all,

just reminding you all to vote in the Buttery referendum. This isn't about whether or not vegans will have a service in the Buttery, as if you vote for it to remain as it is then it will still have a dedicated vegan counter, and also a dedicated vegan chef.

This is about whether the Buttery will continue to be there for all, repeat all, members of College staff: housekeepers, kitchen staff and porters as well as students, Fellows and Senior Officers. This is not troublemaking: the Master has just sent an email reminding all College members to vote.

Please also remind your colleagues who do not use a work computer to vote.

Yours

Ricky

Ricky O' Callaghan
Deputy Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

Buttery referendum ongoing

From: master.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: [fellows, scholars and staff list]

[SECTION: CONFIDENTIAL TO SENIOR OFFICERS
Refer: Notice of forthcoming referendum
SECTION ENDS]

Dear all,

I am writing to remind you that today our Buttery referendum is ongoing.

All students were sent details of the referendum with your tenancy agreements. The concept has evolved somewhat since then, so you will find that the questions and options are not quite those you found in your coming-up material.

The question is: Should the Buttery remain as it is, with an added vegan counter, or leave serving meat altogether to become all vegan?

The options are:

The Buttery should remain as it is, with an added vegan counter.

The Buttery should leave serving meat altogether to become all vegan.

I must remind all College members that this is your chance to make your voice heard, so please take the opportunity to do so.

Yours

Sir John Vachepont-Colquhoun
Master
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

Belated lodge update

[head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk]
[CONFIDENTIAL]

Dear all,

I am now able to tell you that the unofficial policy of "running silent" that seems to have sprung up in the lodge is no longer required.

So here's our belated Lodge roundup.

Coming-up weekend was no more chaotic than ever, so well done to everybody!

Some of the parents were a little nonplussed to suddenly hear their darlings speak with a plum in their mouth as soon as they entered the foyer. Older hands will know this is not unusual, it's how students from less affluent backgrounds think they will fit in better. The parents look rather sad as they leave, I don't know the answer to this.

Thank you for spending time with new students who have come to the lodge with vague requests, the problem is often that they are homesick, those who did not attend public schools sometimes feel a sort of culture-shock.

The Head Tutor has spoken to the chap manning the SU stall at the Fresher's Evening in Vachepont Magna, I am told the Students' Union is going to discuss the appropriateness of displaying leaflets for students who might enter sex-work, given the rather nebulous definition of such work adopted by committees comprised of students who have limited experience of life beyond their own horizons.

As usual, we've had somebody turn up at the city hospital after having drunk more alcohol than they were able to cope with. Our arrangement with the city's Street pastors has again paid off, more than justifying the payment to them from the Vachepont family's endowment to College.

Keep up the good work!

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 
[CONFIDENTIAL]

emailing sorted

From: domestic_bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
To: head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
CC: bursar.cowspan@gmx.co.uk, IT.cowspan@gmx.co.uk
Refer: Confirmation of Disciplinary Process Req'd

Dear Wat,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. The Bursar and I have had a series of meetings and have come to an agreement that any case for disciplinary processes against non-academic staff will come to both myself and Personnel in the first instance.

The Bursar wishes it to be known that she is sorry if the Deputy Head Porter misunderstood her. If she gave the impression that he was attending a disciplinary procedure it must have been because of her passion to err on the side of College. I am, as you say, the end line manager for all non-adademic staff. I am sure Ricky understands that the Bursar was a Lepston Hill Bursary student, as the Bursar takes care to keep this in the forefront of our minds.

We also agreed that if anybody who is on the distribution list for Lodge emails reads fair comment about themselves that they do not like then they will have to, and I quote, "suck it up".

As for reading emails, the IT department is entitled to read any communications that have in some way sent up a red flag, remembering that there are always going to be a lot of false positives. However, Brian Singh seemed to have the impression that the Bursar was thinking about putting College IT services out to tender. I expect he misunderstood Tamsin, who was undoubtedly erring on the side of College again.

Yours

Miri

Miriam Cohen
Domestic Bursar
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva

"sex-worker stall" at freshers' evening

head_porter.cowspan@gmx.co.uk]
[CONFIDENTIAL]

Dear all,

as you know, tonight the "upper" village, Vachepont Magna, was kind enough to host its annual freshers' evening, when it lets College societies set up their stalls in the High Street. As you also know, it helps smooth relations between village and College.

A Cowspan alumnus who lives in the village and generally sends positive material into the national paper he works for has phoned me to say there was an SU stall with, among other things,condoms and literature on safe sex, as usual. 

What was different this year, he told me, is that among the literature was a leaflet for students who may become involved in sex work. 

Newer recruits to the Lodge may be surprised at this, but we do sometimes have students who enter into relationships, usually with older individuals not short of a bob or two. As long as they do not bring pastoral issues to us or we do not have reason to raise such issues with their tutors, the matter stays there. My predecessor as Head Porter remembered his predecessor telling him the same thing.

What my contact was concerned about is that the village's Lepston Hill Estate has had problems with street prostitution in the past. I know something of this due to my past as a Police officer, and know that women who are working the streets are unlikely to currently be students. But the alumnus' quandary is that if he doesn't send the copy in and another reporter who lives in the village and writes for a local paper does, it's going to look like he's covering up, part of a putative Old School Tie network. Never mind that this gentleman had a Lepston HIll Estate scholarship and the other lady went to a private school; I won't bore you with the details of who's more likely to know more about school ties.

There is, however, another dimension, in that if the Lepston Hill Housing Association Committee should complain to the Vachepont family, the Fellows will have to field phone calls they find uncomfortable and, as you know, it all comes back to the Lodge: we are the whipping-boys of last resort.

Add to this the definition of "sex worker" adopted by the SU that will classify any female student who posts for tasteful pics for a certain University rag as such, mainly so that male students who have limited experience of women beyond nannies and matrons can have a frisson in meetings to which the girls who pose for such pics tend not to be invited, and we have the possibility of reputational damage to College at a key time for our application for full University membership. 

As usual, press enquiries are to go straight to the College Press Liaison officer. Full term hasn't started yet, but I understand the Head Tutor will be talking to the chap who was staffing the stall.

On other matters, I am hoping the current impasse regarding communications and related matters will be resolved soon, certainly before the Buttery referendum.

More soon

Wat

Charles Watson Tyler
Head Porter
Cowspan College
Vachepont Parva 
[CONFIDENTIAL]